Difficult Conversations:How to discuss what matters most?

Good communication is important both in formal negotiations and in daily life.But what’s the parameter to decide what matters the most? This blog explores what makes some conversations difficult and some very easy, why people avoid having difficult conversations, and why people often manage difficult conversations poorly. Here I will try to offer some techniques for having more effective, fruitful discussions.Here’s the link to the ted talk, which summarizes the theory of, how to lead tough conversation-HOW TO LEAD TOUGH CONVERSATIONS.

What actually is difficult about conversations?
Difficult conversations mainly include the things that someone does not want to talk about, such as asking for a raise or complaining to a neighbor about his barking dog. People are usually not willing to open a difficult conversation out of anxiety of the consequences. Typically, when the conversation does occur, two people in conversations think and feel a lot more than they actually say in real. Underlying every difficult conversation, there are actually three deeper conversations. The “What happened?” conservation often involves disagreement over what happened in reality, what should happen, and who is to blame. The identity conversation is an internal conversation that each party has with herself/himself, over what the situation tells her/him about who she/he is.

What Happened?
A major type of mistake is “What happened?”. This conversation solely occurs when 2 people in conversation without no use focus on assigning only blames and nothing else. “Focusing on blame is a bad idea because it weakens our ability to learn what’s really causing the problem into it and to do anything meaningful to correct it absolutely. The solution is to focus on mapping each party’s contribution to the situation. Contribution emphasizes understanding causes, joint responsibility, and avoiding future problems. Contributing to a situation does not imply being blameworthy or something of that sort; leaving your car unlocked contributes to its being stolen, but certainly does not make you to blame for the theft.

Feelings plays an important role

Difficult conversations are said to be difficult because there are feelings involved in them. Expressing emotions is risky. Thus, many people frame difficult conversations in such a way that basically ignores their full emotional content. Unexpressed feelings can leak back into conversation. The solution for the people is to identify and understand their feelings, negotiate them, and share them clearly. Understanding and reevaluating the thoughts, perceptions and beliefs that gave rise to the emotions enables us to negotiate with our own feelings, shifting or moderating them. The first step in expressing feelings is to acknowledge that they are an important part of the situation, whether they are “rational” or not. Parties should convey the full range and complexity of their feelings, and they should avoid rushing to evaluate the feelings expressed. To be effective in sharing requires some effort, that the parties acknowledge each other’s feelings and respect them as well.

Letting Go
Sometimes difficult issues should be raised above with full courage and power ; other times it is best to let them go. There is no simple rule for deciding which is which.So now question arises then what’s the solution? Working through the three conversations on your own will give a clearer understanding of the situation and scenario, and so a better basis for understanding and deciding. Some apparent conflicts between people are bound to happen, now turns out to be mainly conflicts within one person–an identity crisis, for instance. It is not worth embarking on a difficult conversation if you do not have a goal that makes sense. One common, but infeasible, goal is to change the other person. Three goals that do support conversation are to learn the other’s story more carefully, to express your own views and emotions after respecting others, and to problem-solve and help everyone.

The need of today’s era is to learn how to start conversations? Most conversations fail because people begin by describing the problem from their own perspective leaving behind the other side, which implies a judgement about the other person and so provokes a defensive response. Instead, start conversations from the perspective of a “third story” that describes (or at least acknowledges) the difference between the people’s views in neutral terms. The opening should then invite the other people to join in a conversation seeking mutual understanding or joint problem solving.